Every
night, my two-and-a-half-year old has to sit on my lap and cuddle with me for a
few minutes before she will retreat to bed. Curled up in my lap, careful that
she is not squishing the baby (I am somewhere around 35 weeks pregnant), her
head resting on my bosom, she always says to me, “You’re home, Mama.”
Of
course, this is a rather silly observation for her to be making at that
time. I will have already been home for
a few hours, playing with her, reading her books, helping her with jigsaw
puzzles, taking her to the potty, et cetera, before we finally sit down
together to calm down before bed. When I
first get home from work around 5:15 pm, Toddler always yells, “Mama home!” and
runs to me for a hug and kiss and begins showing me the toys she is currently
playing with, or telling me about what is going on in the movie she may be
watching. Yet every night without fail,
sitting on my lap she will quietly say to me, “You’re home, Mama.”
A
few months ago—quite a few months; it may have actually been late last year—I
read an article by a (apparently) Feminist working mother who attempted to
identify “The Woman’s Problem” and suggested that, even though women *can* have
it all, we might be more satisfied in our lives if we did not *try* to have it
all, while still *doing* it all. It was
a lengthy article, I do not recall much of it, and I am far too disinterested
to try to track it down for a reread. However, I recall the article being
rather cyclical; getting close to—what I believe—is the root of “The Woman’s
Problem” while never truly addressing the underlying issues or offering real
solutions for this woman-specific dilemma.
That
being said, I probably will not be able to identify the underlying issues and
offer solutions myself. As a woman, an
emotional creature, and a Millenial, I have only personal anecdotes and
opinions; my own preference for how I wish I could live my life and,
recognizing this as my own personal preference, do not wish to impose it on
anyone else who may have a different preference. (Which, of course, truly separates me from
Feminists and Feminism, as the entire movement originated on the notion that
only a small group of women [the Feminists] knew what was best for ALL women,
and went right ahead telling all women that they were unhappy and unfulfilled
being housewives and mothers, and that they would only be happy and fulfilled
by replacing the husband and kids with a career and a couple of cats.)
Anyway,
let me just get straight to it: The (My) Woman’s Problem is Our (My) Inability
to be a Mother in Today’s Society.
I
do not know how many times I will have to say this: Nobody ever asked me if this is what I wanted.
Nobody
ever asked me if what I wanted was to spend 16 years of my life with my butt
planted to a school desk chair, and the remaining years of my life with my butt
planted to an office desk chair, while somebody else raised my kid(s) for me.
Had
anybody at any time in my life asked me if that sounded like something I
wanted, I would have told them to fuck off; to leave the traditional gender
roles alone; that women have a good thing going for them not being expected to
bring home the bacon; that staying home with my kids sounds like the best thing
I could possibly be doing; and that being a mother is the most important job a
woman could have.
Yet,
here I am. A 24-year-old college
graduate working full-time while my mother watches my Toddler every day. Here I am, my butt planted to an office desk
chair, typing away on my work laptop, missing out on all those tiny, precious,
irreplaceable moments with my young daughter. Here I am, a “Liberated” woman considered
“equal” to my husband, with an education and a resume, who can vote and run for
public office and obtain nearly any job that a man can, but I am no
mother—despite having children.
It
is a little ironic (don’t you think?) that the one job nature dictates a woman
to hold; the one job that women alone can have; the one job that literally
secured our place in the history of humanity—that has historically demanded a
woman’s security and protection, as a less “disposable” person than a man—is
the one job that “Liberated” women have rejected.
We
want to climb the corporate/legal/medical ladder, legislate and initiate policy
change, investigate crime scenes and fight on the frontlines of battle. But we don’t want to nurture our own
children. Somebody else can do that, we
say. Somebody else with no vested interest in the well-being of the child. Somebody else who’s getting paid for it,
rather than doing it out of love and consideration. But that ladder and politics and police work
and military service? Yeah, we’re not as
willing to simply leave that to someone else the way we are with raising our
children.
I
know how it goes. It’s very difficult to
comfortably support a family on one income.
It’s even more difficult to deny our children all the fancy, high-speed,
new-fangled toys and gadgets that they may fleetingly desire. Not only do we want “it all”: the perfectly
manicured lawn in front of a beautiful house in suburbia with upgraded kitchen
and baths, and maybe a pool in the back; we also want to give our children “it
all.” Except, (again) ironically, a
mother. So if we must work to have “it
all,” we might as well go big and pursue la crème de la crème of careers. And going home is not an option.
And
so, if you are like me and married young and started popping out kids before building up your career, you are
stuck being a young working mom to young children who do not understand why you
are sometimes too tired to play with them when you get home from work. Still, though, if you are not like me and
have instead put off starting a family for your career, I pity you. If you took this latter route, then you are
stuck being an older working mom to young children who do not understand why
they never see you. If you have opted
out of having children all together, congratulations. You will die old and alone, never
experiencing true love.
I
suppose it probably gets easier being a working mom as your children get older,
start school; but right now, it is the worst.
Especially because not too long ago, I was a stay-at-home mom. I was lucky with Toddler. I got to stay home with her for almost two
years. Not for this new baby,
though. I’ll get my six weeks of
disability, maybe a few more on Paid Family Leave, then it is back to the
grind. I remember Toddler being 6-10
weeks old. I cannot possibly imagine
being able to leave her all day to go to work.
I suppose this is why I am so bitter: because I know that in a few
months, I will be in the position to leave my 6-10 week old baby all day to go
to work.
So
therein lies The Woman’s Problem. We are
not mothers. We have rejected our
biological calling. We have forsaken our
children. And what are we getting in
return? Equality? Liberation? (You can see my other posts for how I feel
about that.) I am 100% positive that
women would be happier, healthier if the Liberation that we obtained resembled
this:
Let
me just ask you one thing:
Will
your career be there for you to hold your hand while you lie on your deathbed?
